Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Yea, I got nothin'. Looking at all this white space in front of me, and I got nothin' nothin' at all.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Life's Journey

There are those defining moments in life that just happen. With or without them your life would not be what it is today. Not all of those moments are good, and not all of them are bad. They just are. Moments. Fractions of time in the scope of all things, not even on the radar of eternity. Yet, they are signifiant in your life at that time. Sometimes they are the moments that provide the swift kick in the the backside that propels you to do what you would otherwise never have done.

My life has been made up of many of those moments over the last eight weeks. If my husband had not been laid off of the job that he hates, and if my current place of employment had not blocked my ability to work more hours, and if they had not decided to re-write contracts,and if I had not gotten an email from a friend who got an email from a friend I would not be where I am today: hopeful. Today was a MAJOR milestone for me. I HAD to pass this stupid exam that allows me the right to bill almost all insurances for my counseling services. In the counseling field it is the "it," the "I have accomplished the highest licensure my profession offers" (without becoming a pschologist). There was a lot riding on that exam, my whole immediate future to be exact. Passing me allows me to move. I can go with a measure of confidence to my new counseling office and start fresh. Without it, I would not have been able to make that move until at least July or August. For me, at this time, that seems like an eternity. It is time for a change. I have overcome one hurdle, but I am scared and uncertain of my future, again. I don't think that will every actually change. If there is one lesson I have learned well and return to often is that nothing is certain, and nothing lasts forever. That is why those moments are so important, and so important to take. Once they have slipped by they become unretrievable. In the wise words of my friends wife (can't remember her name), "Should haves are not reality."

Thank you friends for all of your support and encouragement. It means the world to me and actually helped keep me from a full blown panic attack on the way to the testing site this morning.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Still Here. At least I think I am.

Okay, for the THREE of you who actually read this blog and care, I will give you a brief update on my life as I am currently experiencing it.

1. Over the last couple of weeks I have decided to start a new counseling practice in Meridian. I have spent the last week shopping for office stuff, and sending my personal assistant (aka: husband) to paint the walls, assemble furniture, and pick up needed items. He did an excellent job by the way. He can do all of this stuff for me because he is still laid off from his job. We had an open house at my new office last night which we had to leave abruptly (you'll have to read #4 to find out why.) So, I am effectively working two jobs at the moment. One I am trying to build, and one I am trying to work my way out of. Neither one are as easy as they should be.

2. I am trying to study for my next counselor licensure exam. It is the scariest thing I have every faced as far as taking tests goes. It is a monster! I am scheduled to take the test on Saturday, March 7th. Which by the way, as my husband JUST informed me, is the one Saturday he has to be in class. The exam is four hours long and my future business (and an additional $185) depends on me passing this thing.

3. I agreed to do an independent study for a student at George Fox a long time ago. Just happens that it needs to be done while #1 and #2 are happening.

4. Micah took his fourth trip to the Urgent Care/ER last night. I guess being dropped on his head didn't cause to much damage. "Didn't hurt me none, just hit me on the head." It had to happen during aforementioned open house. What a way to make a great first impression! Yikes.

5. I joined a gym and have been working out EVERYDAY. Everyday until Saturday hit that is. I am going to bed now so I can actually get up at 5:00am and not hate the rest of the day.

There, consider yourself updated. I have not fallen off the face of the earth, but I have considered it. Trust me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


You know those days when you have a ton of thoughts running through your head, but nothing to say. Today is one of those days. I just don't know what to say. So I will ramble. For some reason I cannot handle life changing in the blink of an eye, yet it happens. Actually it is not that I can't handle it, I can, for I have no other choice. I don't want to handle it. I don't want to expend the energy, either mental or physical, to change course to develop a new perspective. After all I put so much time and energy into the old perspective. I realize that change does not always come in the form of monumental occasions. It comes all day, every day. Life moves forward, and forward means alteration. There is no hanging on to yesterday, the morning before, the hour before, the moment before, or the thought before. Life is continuous movement from one second to the next, from one breath to the next. There is no stopping it. Terrifying.

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." The fear of fear is better known as anxiety. The fear that something might, possibly happen and I have convinced myself that it will be the worst possible thing that could happen. I hold my breath hoping that it won't happen, but my mind won't let go of the thought that it will. So does the anxiety disappear once that "thing" has happened. Once the fear has been realized and conquered? Who knows? I am supposed to know. I wish I knew better.

I just don't know what to say.

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity. Sometimes that line breaks for just a brief instant, and sometimes it disappears never to be recovered. The blessing in this comes in the grace that those who are truly insane are oblivious to their plight, while those who still have it fight very hard to keep it. Wouldn’t it be easier to just give up the fight and live in blissful ignorance? Sometimes I wonder.

I just don’t know. Sometimes I think I do, and then something happens and all I have a questions. Endless, unanswerable questions.

Monday, January 5, 2009

How to Make A Cat Hate You

Okay, so it's not like this one is too hard. I think you actually have to work overtime to NOT get your cats to hate you. However if you ever need a sure fire way to turn your mostly gentle and docile feline into a raging maniac, I have the answer.

First, despite your better judgment you enter Bed, Bath, and Beyond with three children in tow who have spent the last four hours of their life grocery shopping.

Second, again against your better judgment allow your shopping weary children to talk you into purchasing one of the "as seen on T.V." gadgets aka The “Pedi-Paws.”

Third, for a moment forget that your children do not actually have the cognitive ability to think logically, and actually believe their long speech about how the cats need their nails trimmed, and this will be so much easier than clipping them as they endlessly recite the annoying commercial to you (while you are half listening and trying to maintain every ounce of sanity left). Did I mention that I had been shopping with three children all day?

Fourth, locate “C” batteries for new contraption.

Fifth, read the directions VERY carefully because that is what the box says to do. CAUTION!!! Read all direction carefully before using this product. The directions say something like yadda, yadda, yadda, you may have to lie on your pet until they get used the sound and feel of the monster, time saving gizmo. But, remember you are CRAZY in charge, and your animal needs to know that you are CRAZY in control. They may as well have written. WARNING! IDIOT! THIS THING DOES NOT ACTUALLY WORK! IT IS ACTUALLY A SECRET PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST ASSESSING THE LEVEL OF MORANIC COMMERCIALSM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WILL STOOP TO. Now that I think about it, there were NO pictures of cats on the directions. Only a dog.

Sixth, find your unsuspecting victim, I mean cat, and pet him lovingly like one who is enticing a victim to certain doom. Hold cat down, Lie on top of the cat (but not too hard), find a claw, attempt to “file” the nail with the mini-buzz saw, calmly, easily, and effectively. Just like the commercial says. YEAH, RIGHT! Cat squirms, cat meows, cat makes God awful noises that I am sure are only heard in the depths of torture chambers, ummm, I mean psychological interviewing cubicles. Walla! Forty Five Minutes later, multiple attempts to restrain a cat. Did you hear me!!!!! I have sunk to new levels. I actually attempted to restrain a cat! What is wrong with me? Anyway, back to it. Multiple attempts to calm the cat and convince him that he was all right (oh yeah, I so lied), three scratches, and sweaty pajamas later we have 18 un-perfectly groomed claws. The cat got up and looked at me with that look that says, “WHAT DID YOU DO!” I HATE YOU! I WILL PEE ON YOUR CARPET FOR THAT and walks away.

Seventh, find the smallest cat and try it all again! Because the first time was soo successful. Again,multiple attempts to calm the cat, wrap the cat in a towel in order to avoid being ripped to shreds by the razor sharp claws you are so carefully trying to file down, listen to the bigger cat in no uncertain terms tell me that if I did not free his brother, my hostage, he would pee on my bed tonight, endure several scratches, and listen to the poor cat scream like a banshee, finally give up.

Eighth, try to appease the freshly tortured cats with bacon and ham, and whatever else they might like. FYI, cats are NOT forgiving creatures and their forgiveness cannot be bought with food, until children and dogs.

Ninth, return said tool of the devil, contraption to the store. When the nice lady at the counter asks me why I would like to return such a wonderful tool I kindly reply, “My cats now hate me, and I just don’t think it is worth dying to have perfectly groomed claws.” There has got to be a better way. And that is how to make a cat hate you.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A Helping Hand to Crazy

This is it. The last night of Christmas vacation. Tomorrow starts the daily grind of early mornings, coffee before I can see straight, showers, breakfast, lunches, backpacks, and "good-bye, have a good day, I'll see you when I get home." In preparation for the upcoming return to madness I decided to make jell-o and pudding for the kids to take in their lunches. Somehow I feel better about making the stuff myself instead of buying the way over priced pre-packaged stuff from Wal-Mart. Anyway, so I am very busy laboring hard holding my newly purchased hand mixer (the old one finally gave up after fifteen and a half years of service) when my middle child asks me what I am doing (duuuhhhh!) So I give her my usual answer, "Going crazy." To which she replies (obviously not hearing my witty answer to her question), "Can I help." My husband who is busy looking at different shelf designs to build in the garage interrupts his research project an pipes in, "You mother does not need any help going crazy!" Truer words were never spoken. I have not met a mother yet who needed any extra help on her way to crazy.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Seven Minutes

I posted this yesterday on a different blog (one that has been created just for "family stuff" that doesn't actually have anything on it yet.)

I have seven minutes. Seven minutes until I have to drag my sorry butt out to the lobby of my office building and sit through another uneventful staff meeting. According to my strenghtsfinder profile, meetings are NOT my thing. I have always known that, I just thought it was a flaw. Now I know it has been a strength all along.

I have seven minutes to avoid another report.

Seven minutes to feel the fatigue settle into my body.

Six minutes to wonder if the snow is ever going to start falling or are the weather men just another source of disappointment as they spew forth their false prophecies.

Six minutes to wish I was at home in front of my fire place actually finishing the Christmas cards I attempted to make, but are not getting in the mail. At least not this year.

Six minutes to remember how tired I am. The last eight weeks have been long, and intense, and draining. I am just as tired as my students are, and I am looking forward to a break.

Five minutes. Five minutes to wonder about my life, my future, my present. Five minutes to ponder that an hour of my life is about to be totally wasted and I will NEVER get it back. NEVER!

Four minutes. Wow the time is going by so fast. What can a person really do in four minutes anyway? One should never take the small minutes for granted. It is after all in the blink on an eye that everything has the potential to change. What would some people do for just for more minutes?

Three minutes. I suppose I should run the spell check and post this blog before it forever gets lost in my blog archive. You know that ones I started to write, but are still sitting there waiting for me to have a few spare minutes to finish. Hmmmm, maybe . ..

Two minutes. The time is ticking way. I guess I'll have to face the music. The lobby calls. Duty calls . . . ..

One minute. .