Ugh!

You know those days when you have a ton of thoughts running through your head, but nothing to say. Today is one of those days. I just don't know what to say. So I will ramble. For some reason I cannot handle life changing in the blink of an eye, yet it happens. Actually it is not that I can't handle it, I can, for I have no other choice. I don't want to handle it. I don't want to expend the energy, either mental or physical, to change course to develop a new perspective. After all I put so much time and energy into the old perspective. I realize that change does not always come in the form of monumental occasions. It comes all day, every day. Life moves forward, and forward means alteration. There is no hanging on to yesterday, the morning before, the hour before, the moment before, or the thought before. Life is continuous movement from one second to the next, from one breath to the next. There is no stopping it. Terrifying.

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." The fear of fear is better known as anxiety. The fear that something might, possibly happen and I have convinced myself that it will be the worst possible thing that could happen. I hold my breath hoping that it won't happen, but my mind won't let go of the thought that it will. So does the anxiety disappear once that "thing" has happened. Once the fear has been realized and conquered? Who knows? I am supposed to know. I wish I knew better.

I just don't know what to say.

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity. Sometimes that line breaks for just a brief instant, and sometimes it disappears never to be recovered. The blessing in this comes in the grace that those who are truly insane are oblivious to their plight, while those who still have it fight very hard to keep it. Wouldn’t it be easier to just give up the fight and live in blissful ignorance? Sometimes I wonder.

I just don’t know. Sometimes I think I do, and then something happens and all I have a questions. Endless, unanswerable questions.